Where are all the Kiwis?

I spent my “weekend” this week in a borrowed campervan from work for a famil. This just means that they wanted me to use one of the vans so that I can better tell customers how they work and why they are fabulous. I wanted to use the van because I was desperate to get out of Queenstown for a little while and having no car, a campervan was the best option.

They let me take one of the giant six person Mercedes van. M was the only other person who had the same days off as me this week so we decided that we would make this our great adventure. The first issue is that M doesn’t have a driver’s license which meant that I had to do all of the driving. To be honest, it was probably better that way because I would have been really nervous having someone else drive the van that I was responsible for. We took off on Monday afternoon with no real plans and with no map. Realizing that a map might come in handy, we stopped by my place to grab an atlas and headed south toward the coast. Our only plan was to find the beach. After several hours of driving, night had set in and we were on a dirt track with no cell phone service and decided that just pulling off to the side of the road and spending the night was the best course of action. That, in and of itself, is nothing new for me after my first campervan adventure in New Zealand last year but that was about the time that the things that I’ve never done before began.

We had bought a pizza for dinner because we thought that the van had an oven in it and neither of us had even bothered to check and make sure even when we were putting the groceries away. Guess what. No oven! Have you ever had a pan fried pizza? Its actually not that bad; but here is a tip in case you want to try it for yourself, put a top over the pan from the begining to steam the crust and melt the cheese on top. Never, under any circustances, flip the pizza over to try to cook the toppings. We drank bubbles while eating our pan fried pizza and enjoyed the first night of our trip.

At about 4am, we were awoken by the sound of repeated horn honking and my first thought was that someone had come down the dirt track and was trying to move us along because we probably shouldn’t have been free-camping there. M looked out the window and said “don’t worry its just cows.” And in my half asleep state I accepted that as something that was to be expected. The farm that we had parked next to was herding its cows by using the horn of his car. How modern.

The next morning, we woke up and realized that we had made it to the ocean and had been driving along side of it in the dark unable to see it for several kilometers before we decided to stop for the night. After making coffee and having, we kept driving in hopes of finding a turn off so that we could actually walk down to the beach. We turned into an old golf course in the middle of nowhere and left the van parked in the middle of the dirt road and climbed down to the deserted beach below. It looked just like a movie set with the rugged cliffs and the waves crashing on the sand and rocks. After only a few minutes, however, we realized that the tide was fast coming in and we would soon be cutoff from our escape route so we quickly headed back to the van to continue our adventure.

We made our way down more and more dirt tracks and eventually ended up in a place called Nugget Point where we went to check out and old lighthouse. On the way to the lighthouse down the side of a cliff about 200 feet below, I was convinced that I heard something yelling from in the waves. We stood there for ages expecting to see a drowning child before realizing that it was just a seal chilling on the rocks below. One the way back from Nugget Point, our van was surrounded by a herd of sheep coming down the road just like in those old movies. I was so excited that I stopped dead in the middle of the road and turned the engine off and waited for them all to go past. The little old farmer who was following behind them in his little red truck tipped his hat and blew us a kiss as he drove by. 

Lunch was followed by a stop at a cafe for coffee and cake and to charge my phone which was completely pointless because we had no cell phone service anyway. The rest of the day was spent stopping at every touristy spot we could find including several waterfalls and a blowhole which didn’t blow. We also managed to dance in the Pacific for a little while but once the cold had made it where I couldn’t feel my feet anymore, it was time to head back to the van. Near Jack’s blowhole (the blowhole that didn’t blow. can you sense my irritation at that?) there was a sign for pickles for sale in front of a house. M and I went over to see the pickles and the family was having lunch inside and invited us in to sample all of the pickles (they weren’t actually pickles but more like a relish). Pickles were purchased and we acquired a map of the area and hit the road again heading toward Niagra Falls. I had no expectations that the New Zealand Niagra Falls would in any way resemble the North American Niagra Falls but I did expect it to at least be a waterfall. Think again. It was three or four big rocks in a small river and that was it!

Our next adventure was to Curio Bay to see the petrified forest and the penguins and then we settled into a dinner of fish and chips bought with the few coins that we were able to scrounge up because the stand didn’t have a credit card machine. Dinner in the van also included us watching the Curious Case of Benjamin Button and a bottle of red wine. Doesn’t this sound like the best way to camp ever?!? No wonder these people pay so much to rent these camper vans. It is like being in a 4 star resort on wheels.

We managed to make it through the night without being woken up by a herd of cows and headed toward Invercargill with the intent of going to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D only to realize after waiting for over two hours that it wasn’t even in 3D. Oh well, we had both already seen the movie anyway but it would have been nice to see Helena Bonham Carter’s giant head coming off the screen in 3D. We bought noodles in a box which M thought was the greatest thing ever because apparently the Chinese take aways in Scotland dont put the food in those little white boxes with the metal handles and headed back toward Queenstown stopping at a few more little tourist spots along the way.

Did I mention that we did all of this in our pajamas? You should have see the look on half of the peoples faces!

I’m very glad (well maybe not glad but at least somewhat vindicated) to report that it is not only the Americans who sometimes cannot name their own current political leaders. Do you remember during the last presidential election how much was made of the videos of so called average Americans who weren’t able to name the vice president or the secretary of state? In a couple of cases, these were people who were incredibly opinionated and outspoken about which candidate that they believed should be in office but knew only the most basic information about that candidate. It was that way for proponents of both candidates. Anyway, I was completely embarrassed for my country and its people at that point and the way the international press took hold of the story it sounded like that was something that would only happen in the United States.

Well I would like to set the record straight once and for all. Americans are not the only ones who do not always pay attention to their current political leaders. Sitting at the airport yesterday, staring intently at my computer screen (don’t fret, I was very focused reading an article about Sandra Bullock’s marriage troubles not anything work related) my co-worker, who is a real live kiwi, jumped up out of her seat and started stuttering something about “look up! look up!”. It is not unusual for my co-workers to point out some kiwi rugby player or musician that I have never heard of walking just in front of our desk because everyone who flies into Queenstown airport has to walk right past me to get to the baggage claim area. I tore my eyes from Sandra’s sad article to see a man in a t-shirt and shorts walking with a boy who was probably around ten years old or so. They didn’t look in the least bit unusual, so I just turned and looked at my co-worker who informed me that the very casually dressed man was none other than the kiwi prime minister “whats-his-name”.

That’s all it took. She had no clue what his name was and it was me, the foreigner from that country where no one who is interviewed on television who ever seems to know anything about their own government that had to tell her what her own prime minister’s name was. It’s John Key in case you were waiting with baited breath to find out and you should really look up the David Letterman episode where he did the top 10 list. Hilarious! I cant imagine any other head of state (I guess that would actually be the Queen rather than the prime minister in this situation but you get my point) doing anything like that. He was walking around the Queenstown airport with no security and no pretension whatsoever. I was dumbfounded by that, but then it was my faithful kiwi co-worker’s turn to look at me like I was crazy. “Why would he need security?” she asked in all seriousness. Good point. Why would he need security? Maybe because every other president or prime minister has security. Can you imagine Obama or Gordon Brown walking around an airport on their own? Not likely. But just add that to the reasons why I love New Zealand. Even the prime minister is cruisey.

Working in customer service over the past few weeks has taught me one thing and one thing only… I do not care much for most people and their problems which is not exactly the best thing when your job is to help people and deal with all of their petty issues, whinges and complaints. Ok so maybe I have learned one other thing as well. I am apparently quite an actress. The role that I have come to play on a daily basis is that of Suzy Sunshine, smiling away like a patronizing little fool and almost all of the customers eat it up. I have learned to try to connect with each customer on some sort of personal basis whether it is where they are from (“Oh really? I’ve been there and it is fantastic!) or what they are going to do in Queenstown (“Bungee jump, huh? Have you thought about the canyon swing? Its so much more fun!”), anything just to get them talking about something other than their rental.  

Although I have a real disdain for almost every customer that comes to my desk whining that they thought that they were booking a Mercedes and received a fiat instead (you cant actually book the Mercedes you moron you just book the size camper you want and you take what I give you and you like it!) or that they cannot believe that they were given a purple car when there are grey cars in the parking lot (come on now its just funny to watch the big Australian guy driving a little purple hatchback), somehow I manage to keep this ridiculous smile on my face and nod sympathetically and tell them how “I understand how that must be frustrating for you.” But I dont understand. I dont understand why you come on holiday and then look for every teeny tiny way you can make yourself unhappy, though admittedly the Mercedes campers are way nicer than the Fiats but they are still nice campers. You are on holiday, people. Sit back, take a few deep cleansing breaths and relax. Look out of the window here at the airport and stare off at the remarks for a bit with their jagged peaks or out toward lake Wakitipu and its strangely colored blue waters. Nothing is that bad when you are looking at a view like that.

Note to all vacationers: dont approach your trip like something to get through with a giant checklist of things that you want to see and accomplish. You will enjoy yourself so much more if you will just go with the flow and see where the trip takes you. Inevitable you will still get to see and do all of the important things but without the stress and probably without all of the horrible tourist trap things that you put on your list that if you talk to a local you will realize are a complete waste of time and money.

Weather is notoriously unpredictable no matter where you are in the world, but I am convinced that mother naturehas the most severe mood swings of all in Central Otago New Zealand. For almost all of the past two months, the sun has been shining brightly and the skies have been the clearest blue imaginable with only a few great big puffy clouds occasionally interrupting the expanse of blue. It has been a very comfortable mid-twenties (or low to mid 70s for those who are celsiously challenged).

And then the rains came over from Melbourne where the hail there did catastrophic damage to people and property. But dont panic, the hail didnt make it all the way over here. We were given freezing rain and temperature lows in the single digits. My beautiful summer oasis of sunshine and warmth was destroyed by this storm that covered the skies with steely grey and black clouds and forced everyone to once again break out the winter wear. The shorts and tank tops were replaced by puffy jackets and jeans and jandals had to make way for trainers and boots.

In the midst of all of the bad weather misery, however, mother nature winked down on me. After having to walk to the bus to go to work  and running back and forth to the cars to do damage checks in the freezing rain, when the clouds finally lifted above the height of the Remarks there was a fresh dusting of snow on the peaks. The mountains looked as though someone had sprinkled powdered sugar over them. It was the first snow of the year!

It has finally happened. After two months of putting it off and complaining almost daily of the inconvenience of not having this vital piece of electronic gadgetry that serves to make the lives of women the world over easier and more beautiful, I have aquired one. I have purchased a hair dryer to replace the one that I blew up only days after arriving back in New Zealand. It is that experience, of watching my beloved hair dryer that had served me well all over the world for the better part of a decade begin to spark and smoke and the realization that it was truly lost, that inspired this blog. And for that I will be forever grateful to my lost companion. The hair dryer that has replaced it, though efficient and compact, will never be able to take its place completely.  Farewell, dear hair dryer. You will be missed.

Here are some new editions to the English from the rest of the world to American English dictionary that I think I am going to write some day.

Biscuit: cookie

Bonnet: the hood of a car

Boot: the trunk of a car

Bum Bag: a fanny pack (warning: a fanny in New Zealand refers to a woman’s girly area. Learned that one the awkward way)

Capsicum: bell pepper

Chilly Bin: a cooler, like the one you take to the beach to keep your drinks cold.

Courgette: zucchini

Dinner: your noon time meal

Dungarees: overalls

Excess: the deductible that you pay for your insurance

Flash: short for flashy like “Look at that flash car!”

Gas: propane

Jumper: a sweater or sweatshirt

Petrol: Gas

Pikey: roughly equivalent to a red neck but tends to be of Irish decent

Skint: out of cash

Spanner: wrench

Take the piss: either to ridicule or take advantage of someone or something

Tea: the evening meal

Tea Towel: towel used mainly to dry the dishes

Tomato Sauce: ketchup (but it tends to be sweeter than Heinz)

Torch: flashlight

Tyre: tire, like the ones on your car

Uni: University

Like the way I even put those in alphabetical order for you? Just wait… this is going to be a world wide best seller some day and I will be a guest lecturer at Universities all over the world! Ok that may be taking it a bit far, but wouldn’t that be funny?