Where are all the Kiwis?

Antipodes: according to Wikipedia (the ultimate source on all things) the antipode of any place is the place on earth that is diametrically opposed to it. Remember as children how we thought if we dug a deep enough hole in the back yard that we would eventually end up in China? Well, as much as I hate to admit it, we were wrong. Not only were we wrong but we were way wrong. Had we been able to dig such a hole, we would have ended up swimming in the Indian Ocean rather than dining on delicious shrimp fried rice.

What is surprising, though, is where some other places in the world would end up if they dig a hole straight through the center of the earth (I like the imagery that hole digging conjures better than what using the more scientific and grown up version of antipode does). If I dug a hole in my back yard here in Queenstown, I would end up in the Pacific Ocean, just off the north west coast of Spain. Were I to do so from nearby Christchurch, I would end up in A Coruna, Spain. But I’ve never heard of that place. From Wellington, I would end up in Madrid or from Auckland I could go to Seville (I wonder if bugs bunny would be there (mom that reference was just for you)). But the most surprising to me is that if I were living in Whangarei (do you remember our little hooked on phonics lesson from a while back?) and dug a hole in the back yard I would end up popping my very tired little head out in Tangier, Morocco! How cool (or hot depending on how you look at it) would that be?

Queenstown is first and foremost a resort town. In the summer, the lake and surrounding mountains provides the perfect playground for water sports, canyoning, hiking and mountain biking. In the winter months,  Queenstown plays host to three ski mountains filled to the brim with snow chasers and ski holidaymakers alike. With the mountains due to open this upcoming weekend, there were more than a few people concerned about the lack of snow in Central Otago. For the past few weeks, anxious locals have been obsessing over weather reports and speculating about whether the opening weekend would have to be pushed back. Twice we were taunted by mother nature who produced only a few flurries, enough to provide a light dusting of snow across the peaks and then melt away by mid-day.

All fears were laid to rest only a few days ago, less than one week before the mountains were due to open, when we received a massive snow storm thjat blanketed the mountains with dozens of centimeters of snow in the course of one night. This was just what the resorts needed to begin the snow making process to create enough of a base of snow to open on time. The hundreds of snowboarders who have been making their way into town over the past couple of weeks along with all of the locals who purchased their season passes months ago breathed a great sigh of relief as it was officially announced that the mountains would open on time. Now we just have to wait a couple more days and the mass migration towards the mountains can begin. If only we could have all of the snow without it being so bloody cold!

I have a very serious coffee addiction. This is no secret to anyone who has known me for more than a day. I need at least a couple of cups first thing in the morning just to allow me to function as a human being. This insane cranky person comes out if I don’t keep a steady level of caffeine in my system throughout the day and working in customer service has just made this addiction worse. Do you want me to be nice to the poor unsuspecting customer who comes to the counter wanting to rent a Mercedes for ten dollars a day when clearly that is a ridiculous request to begin with? Then I need to be well caffeinated so that I don’t inform them that they are crazy and then walk away from the counter. Apparently, in customer service, you have to be nice even to the obnoxious ones and that, occasionally, gives me some trouble. But that’s where the coffee comes in and saves the day!

Now, I am not that picky about the form that the caffeine takes to get into my blood stream and makes me the Suzy Sunshine of the car rental world, but the lack of options is sometimes difficult. Most often, coffee in New Zealand comes in the form of instant coffee. Not exactly my favorite option but it is by far the cheapest and easiest especially in a tiny cramped closet behind the rental desk that serves as an office, storage room, coat closet and kitchen. The other major source of caffeination is the espresso based coffees purchased from either Patagonia (yummy) or the airport cafe (not so yummy but the tiniest bit cheaper). But they are just way too expensive to keep up with my habit at about $4.00 per coffee. If my habit was only one a day, it might be possible to have the delicious trim flat white with one sweetener that the girl at the coffee shop starts fixing for me even before I make it all the way up to the cash register (yeah its that sad I know). But my 8 cups a day minimum threshold to maintain sanity would make that a bit out of my price range. But what I really miss most of all is just a normal filter coffee. You know like the coffee pot that everyone has in their kitchen. Like the one I had back home that was on a timer so I would wake up every morning to a freshly brewed pot of delicious french roast coffee in the kitchen. The smell of which alone was enough to make me get out of bed in the morning. They just don’t seem to have those here. I hear whispers of one coming up for sale on occasion but I never can get to it. There must be a black market for filter coffee coffee pots out there somewhere and I want one. Back alley transactions do not scare me. Must have coffee pot!

What’s different about driving in New Zeland? Well, just about everything. Let me try to explain.

First of all, they drive in the left hand side of the road. Not too difficult to figure out as long as there are other cars on the road to follow along behind. The problem occurs when you are pulling out and no one else is on the road and you have a quick panic attack and second guess your decision to pull all the way across to the other side of the street. Its just not natural after driving on the right hand side of the street for almost ten years. But no biggy. It just takes some getting used to.

Ok here is one that I still have trouble remembering. You know how when you are driving in the states you can make a right turn on red so long as there is no traffic coming? Yeah, the same thing doesn’t hold true over here for left turns on red. Apparently that is illegal. So silly. Who would have thought that a red light could always mean stop? I have always been under the impression that they were more like suggestions that absolute rules but I was kindly informed by the police officer at the airport that I was labouring under a serious misconception and should remedy that impression immediately or further action would have to be taken in the future. Nice guy.

But by far the strangest and probably the dumbest rule that tends to cause the most accidents over here and should really be changed (I’m a bit biased against this one if you can’t tell) is the right hand turn rule. Sounds harmless enough, right? The basic rule is that if you are turning, you must give way to all vehicles that are not turning. No problem. In all other situations, you must give way to vehicles crossing or coming from you right. Confused about why this is the silliest rule of all? Well, let me see if I can explain the ramifications of this blanket right hand rule. Say you are driving down the road and are going to turn left (since you are driving on the left then by turning left you are not crossing any lanes of traffic) in the US you would have the right of way to make the turn. But no no no. Not in New Zealand. Here, if there was another car that was coming from the other direction and going to be turning right into that same drive that you were going to left into, they have the right of way because technically they are on your right because they drive on the left hand side of the road. In theory, this works well because it keeps them from backing up traffic on that side of the road. In practice, however, people aren’t always thinking about the other land being on the right and more often than not make that left hand turn without even looking to see if someone is making the right hand turn. Then BANG!!! Fun, huh? I thought so.

But this being New Zeland, even rad safety is done with the laid back cruisey-ness that defines the spirit of this place. While driving yesterday past the field where there was some sort of big rugby match (the obsession with rugby here almost matches that of football back home and is a whole other story) there was one of those flashing signs telling cars as they go from two lanes to one to “merge like a zip.” It didn’t register immediately what this sign was trying to get across. Then I realized that the sign was reminding drivers how to merge properly… like a zipper. How cute is that?!?

I have been working alot lately… I mean alot alot and dealing with extremely unhappy campers which is making me more and more irritable. Normally, my days off every week are just enough to allow me to relax and get all rejuvenated and ready to start all over again. But this week, on my first day off, I agreed to relocate a van to Te Anau. They pay $70.00 cash in hand and while its not a ton of money for the 4 to 4 and a half hours the return trip takes, it is an amazingly beautiful drive and I don’t have a car so it was a great excuse to get out of town for my day off. All was going so well until on the way back the van broke down and I was stuck on the side of the road for two hours waiting for the tow truck to arrive. It was so cold that I had to bundle up in the used duvet from the back of the van to keep warm while I waited. The poor hitchhiker that I had picked up earlier had to stand out in the rain and wind for more than 20 minutes before someone else stopped to pick him up. But on the bright side, while I waited there was the most beautiful rainbow in the field just next to where my van was perched precariously close to a 5 foot ditch. I just snuggled up in the drivers seat with the duvet and put in my ipod and watched the rainbow. They even paid me an extra relocation fee because of all of the break down drama so it could have been so much worse.

But, needless to say, it wasn’t exactly the relaxing day that I have come to need to be able to tolerate the increasingly impatient vacationers that come to pick up these giant camper vans. So because of that “lost” day, I decided to call in sick on Thursday so that I would have two full days to chill before I went back to work. This shouldn’t have been an issue because we were unseasonably quiet and there were two other people working on the desk. The problem was that I had completely forgotten that our regional director was coming down from Auckland that day to assess our branch. Well, why on earth would he care about me and what I do there? I have only been working for the company for about 2 months and while I do have my fair share of screw ups, I have yet to cause any major hassle to the corporation. But, for some inexplicable reason, he decided that he would still like to meet me and had my supervisor call me to see if I would go out to dinner with this man and all of my co-workers. Not feeling like I had much of a choice, I reluctantly agreed and got all dressed and showed up to dinner with the intention of pretending to play sick.

This man is ridiculous. He is one of those people that wants you to think that he has way more power than he actually does. He spent the entire night belittling everything that we do in our office and trying to tell us how to make things work better which would not be so obnoxious if he had spent any time in our branch and had any understanding of how things work down here. He is one of those corporate types that cant deal in the real world. He needs to stay cooped up in some office somewhere and keep crunching numbers and leave the actual branch management to someone who has a clue.

So here is what you should not do at a work dinner: 1. don’t call your boss a moron (either directly or impliedly) they don’t appreciate that 2. Pick a fight over how often commercial vehicles should checked by a mechanic (suggesting that it is irresponsible to only have them checked every 22,000 kms doesn’t go over too well) 3. offhandedly mention that it wouldn’t necessarily be a bad thing if there were more lawsuits in New Zealand in order to keep large corporations from taking advantage of consumers 4. Lean your head up against the wall at the restaurant and sigh loudly and role your eyes each time he says anything, reasonable or not.

Surprisingly, I did not get fired immediately. He did come in to the office the next day but he didn’t really say much else to me. Weird. I wonder what my manager will say about the whole thing when he gets back on Monday.

I spent my “weekend” this week in a borrowed campervan from work for a famil. This just means that they wanted me to use one of the vans so that I can better tell customers how they work and why they are fabulous. I wanted to use the van because I was desperate to get out of Queenstown for a little while and having no car, a campervan was the best option.

They let me take one of the giant six person Mercedes van. M was the only other person who had the same days off as me this week so we decided that we would make this our great adventure. The first issue is that M doesn’t have a driver’s license which meant that I had to do all of the driving. To be honest, it was probably better that way because I would have been really nervous having someone else drive the van that I was responsible for. We took off on Monday afternoon with no real plans and with no map. Realizing that a map might come in handy, we stopped by my place to grab an atlas and headed south toward the coast. Our only plan was to find the beach. After several hours of driving, night had set in and we were on a dirt track with no cell phone service and decided that just pulling off to the side of the road and spending the night was the best course of action. That, in and of itself, is nothing new for me after my first campervan adventure in New Zealand last year but that was about the time that the things that I’ve never done before began.

We had bought a pizza for dinner because we thought that the van had an oven in it and neither of us had even bothered to check and make sure even when we were putting the groceries away. Guess what. No oven! Have you ever had a pan fried pizza? Its actually not that bad; but here is a tip in case you want to try it for yourself, put a top over the pan from the begining to steam the crust and melt the cheese on top. Never, under any circustances, flip the pizza over to try to cook the toppings. We drank bubbles while eating our pan fried pizza and enjoyed the first night of our trip.

At about 4am, we were awoken by the sound of repeated horn honking and my first thought was that someone had come down the dirt track and was trying to move us along because we probably shouldn’t have been free-camping there. M looked out the window and said “don’t worry its just cows.” And in my half asleep state I accepted that as something that was to be expected. The farm that we had parked next to was herding its cows by using the horn of his car. How modern.

The next morning, we woke up and realized that we had made it to the ocean and had been driving along side of it in the dark unable to see it for several kilometers before we decided to stop for the night. After making coffee and having, we kept driving in hopes of finding a turn off so that we could actually walk down to the beach. We turned into an old golf course in the middle of nowhere and left the van parked in the middle of the dirt road and climbed down to the deserted beach below. It looked just like a movie set with the rugged cliffs and the waves crashing on the sand and rocks. After only a few minutes, however, we realized that the tide was fast coming in and we would soon be cutoff from our escape route so we quickly headed back to the van to continue our adventure.

We made our way down more and more dirt tracks and eventually ended up in a place called Nugget Point where we went to check out and old lighthouse. On the way to the lighthouse down the side of a cliff about 200 feet below, I was convinced that I heard something yelling from in the waves. We stood there for ages expecting to see a drowning child before realizing that it was just a seal chilling on the rocks below. One the way back from Nugget Point, our van was surrounded by a herd of sheep coming down the road just like in those old movies. I was so excited that I stopped dead in the middle of the road and turned the engine off and waited for them all to go past. The little old farmer who was following behind them in his little red truck tipped his hat and blew us a kiss as he drove by. 

Lunch was followed by a stop at a cafe for coffee and cake and to charge my phone which was completely pointless because we had no cell phone service anyway. The rest of the day was spent stopping at every touristy spot we could find including several waterfalls and a blowhole which didn’t blow. We also managed to dance in the Pacific for a little while but once the cold had made it where I couldn’t feel my feet anymore, it was time to head back to the van. Near Jack’s blowhole (the blowhole that didn’t blow. can you sense my irritation at that?) there was a sign for pickles for sale in front of a house. M and I went over to see the pickles and the family was having lunch inside and invited us in to sample all of the pickles (they weren’t actually pickles but more like a relish). Pickles were purchased and we acquired a map of the area and hit the road again heading toward Niagra Falls. I had no expectations that the New Zealand Niagra Falls would in any way resemble the North American Niagra Falls but I did expect it to at least be a waterfall. Think again. It was three or four big rocks in a small river and that was it!

Our next adventure was to Curio Bay to see the petrified forest and the penguins and then we settled into a dinner of fish and chips bought with the few coins that we were able to scrounge up because the stand didn’t have a credit card machine. Dinner in the van also included us watching the Curious Case of Benjamin Button and a bottle of red wine. Doesn’t this sound like the best way to camp ever?!? No wonder these people pay so much to rent these camper vans. It is like being in a 4 star resort on wheels.

We managed to make it through the night without being woken up by a herd of cows and headed toward Invercargill with the intent of going to see Alice in Wonderland in 3D only to realize after waiting for over two hours that it wasn’t even in 3D. Oh well, we had both already seen the movie anyway but it would have been nice to see Helena Bonham Carter’s giant head coming off the screen in 3D. We bought noodles in a box which M thought was the greatest thing ever because apparently the Chinese take aways in Scotland dont put the food in those little white boxes with the metal handles and headed back toward Queenstown stopping at a few more little tourist spots along the way.

Did I mention that we did all of this in our pajamas? You should have see the look on half of the peoples faces!

I’m very glad (well maybe not glad but at least somewhat vindicated) to report that it is not only the Americans who sometimes cannot name their own current political leaders. Do you remember during the last presidential election how much was made of the videos of so called average Americans who weren’t able to name the vice president or the secretary of state? In a couple of cases, these were people who were incredibly opinionated and outspoken about which candidate that they believed should be in office but knew only the most basic information about that candidate. It was that way for proponents of both candidates. Anyway, I was completely embarrassed for my country and its people at that point and the way the international press took hold of the story it sounded like that was something that would only happen in the United States.

Well I would like to set the record straight once and for all. Americans are not the only ones who do not always pay attention to their current political leaders. Sitting at the airport yesterday, staring intently at my computer screen (don’t fret, I was very focused reading an article about Sandra Bullock’s marriage troubles not anything work related) my co-worker, who is a real live kiwi, jumped up out of her seat and started stuttering something about “look up! look up!”. It is not unusual for my co-workers to point out some kiwi rugby player or musician that I have never heard of walking just in front of our desk because everyone who flies into Queenstown airport has to walk right past me to get to the baggage claim area. I tore my eyes from Sandra’s sad article to see a man in a t-shirt and shorts walking with a boy who was probably around ten years old or so. They didn’t look in the least bit unusual, so I just turned and looked at my co-worker who informed me that the very casually dressed man was none other than the kiwi prime minister “whats-his-name”.

That’s all it took. She had no clue what his name was and it was me, the foreigner from that country where no one who is interviewed on television who ever seems to know anything about their own government that had to tell her what her own prime minister’s name was. It’s John Key in case you were waiting with baited breath to find out and you should really look up the David Letterman episode where he did the top 10 list. Hilarious! I cant imagine any other head of state (I guess that would actually be the Queen rather than the prime minister in this situation but you get my point) doing anything like that. He was walking around the Queenstown airport with no security and no pretension whatsoever. I was dumbfounded by that, but then it was my faithful kiwi co-worker’s turn to look at me like I was crazy. “Why would he need security?” she asked in all seriousness. Good point. Why would he need security? Maybe because every other president or prime minister has security. Can you imagine Obama or Gordon Brown walking around an airport on their own? Not likely. But just add that to the reasons why I love New Zealand. Even the prime minister is cruisey.

Working in customer service over the past few weeks has taught me one thing and one thing only… I do not care much for most people and their problems which is not exactly the best thing when your job is to help people and deal with all of their petty issues, whinges and complaints. Ok so maybe I have learned one other thing as well. I am apparently quite an actress. The role that I have come to play on a daily basis is that of Suzy Sunshine, smiling away like a patronizing little fool and almost all of the customers eat it up. I have learned to try to connect with each customer on some sort of personal basis whether it is where they are from (“Oh really? I’ve been there and it is fantastic!) or what they are going to do in Queenstown (“Bungee jump, huh? Have you thought about the canyon swing? Its so much more fun!”), anything just to get them talking about something other than their rental.  

Although I have a real disdain for almost every customer that comes to my desk whining that they thought that they were booking a Mercedes and received a fiat instead (you cant actually book the Mercedes you moron you just book the size camper you want and you take what I give you and you like it!) or that they cannot believe that they were given a purple car when there are grey cars in the parking lot (come on now its just funny to watch the big Australian guy driving a little purple hatchback), somehow I manage to keep this ridiculous smile on my face and nod sympathetically and tell them how “I understand how that must be frustrating for you.” But I dont understand. I dont understand why you come on holiday and then look for every teeny tiny way you can make yourself unhappy, though admittedly the Mercedes campers are way nicer than the Fiats but they are still nice campers. You are on holiday, people. Sit back, take a few deep cleansing breaths and relax. Look out of the window here at the airport and stare off at the remarks for a bit with their jagged peaks or out toward lake Wakitipu and its strangely colored blue waters. Nothing is that bad when you are looking at a view like that.

Note to all vacationers: dont approach your trip like something to get through with a giant checklist of things that you want to see and accomplish. You will enjoy yourself so much more if you will just go with the flow and see where the trip takes you. Inevitable you will still get to see and do all of the important things but without the stress and probably without all of the horrible tourist trap things that you put on your list that if you talk to a local you will realize are a complete waste of time and money.

Weather is notoriously unpredictable no matter where you are in the world, but I am convinced that mother naturehas the most severe mood swings of all in Central Otago New Zealand. For almost all of the past two months, the sun has been shining brightly and the skies have been the clearest blue imaginable with only a few great big puffy clouds occasionally interrupting the expanse of blue. It has been a very comfortable mid-twenties (or low to mid 70s for those who are celsiously challenged).

And then the rains came over from Melbourne where the hail there did catastrophic damage to people and property. But dont panic, the hail didnt make it all the way over here. We were given freezing rain and temperature lows in the single digits. My beautiful summer oasis of sunshine and warmth was destroyed by this storm that covered the skies with steely grey and black clouds and forced everyone to once again break out the winter wear. The shorts and tank tops were replaced by puffy jackets and jeans and jandals had to make way for trainers and boots.

In the midst of all of the bad weather misery, however, mother nature winked down on me. After having to walk to the bus to go to work  and running back and forth to the cars to do damage checks in the freezing rain, when the clouds finally lifted above the height of the Remarks there was a fresh dusting of snow on the peaks. The mountains looked as though someone had sprinkled powdered sugar over them. It was the first snow of the year!

It has finally happened. After two months of putting it off and complaining almost daily of the inconvenience of not having this vital piece of electronic gadgetry that serves to make the lives of women the world over easier and more beautiful, I have aquired one. I have purchased a hair dryer to replace the one that I blew up only days after arriving back in New Zealand. It is that experience, of watching my beloved hair dryer that had served me well all over the world for the better part of a decade begin to spark and smoke and the realization that it was truly lost, that inspired this blog. And for that I will be forever grateful to my lost companion. The hair dryer that has replaced it, though efficient and compact, will never be able to take its place completely.  Farewell, dear hair dryer. You will be missed.