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One of the reasons that I chose to take my bar trip to New Zealand last year was because I decided that if I was going to be traveling by myself it would be a whole lot easier if I could at least speak the language. Officially, New Zealand has two national languages, English and Maori (pronounced M OW (like cow) REE). Although Maori is an official language it isn’t actually spoken by most of the population and therefore the knowledge of English is sufficient for everything but the ability to pronounce many of the town names in the north island which has traditionally been the Maori stronghold in the country. Even so, the only Maori pronunciation that you really need to know is that a “wh” makes the “f” sound. This makes for some very entertaining town names such as Whakatane, Whakamaru, Whakapapa and Whakawerawera. I am going to leave you to work out for yourselves why those names are so funny. Wait for it. Bingo. Native English speaking 10 year olds the world over and I find that hysterical.
Now, George Bernard Shaw said that the England and America are two countries separated by a common language and New Zealand would work into that equation just as well (as would Australia and I am going to throw in a few of their words too just for fun). Let us begin today’s lesson, class, with the word flip flop or sandal, if you will. You all know that a flip-flop is a lightweight, often times, plastic shoe that you slip onto your foot. In New Zealand, these are referred to as jandals, short, I am told, for Japanese sandals. Even better, in Australia they are called thongs; yes thongs. Can I borrow your thongs is, in fact, a socially acceptable question to ask in Australia. But enough with the vocabulary lesson for today lets move on to a quick kiwi speak pronunciation guide. A rather tasty fast food meal here in New Zealand is fish and chips, or as it is pronounced in Kiwi speak, fush (more like fuss than push) and chups (like up). It’s the letter “i” that seems to give the people of this country such trouble. Six tends to sound like sex and sex like six, which can make for quite a confusing conversation for the uninitiated. Imagine if you will, that you ask a gentleman for the time and he responds that it is sex o’clock. Of course, you are rightly horrified and make a disgusted face because all you have done is ask for the time. How dare he… oh, right! He isn’t being a presumptuous jerk. He means six o’clock. He just can’t speak properly. A word of warning however, Queenstown being the party town that most vacation destinations are, he could really mean sex o’clock. This only applies to Kiwis, not the English guy at the pub who says the same thing.
But it isn’t enough in Queenstown to be able to translate Kiwi English. You must also be able to speak other varying forms of English from Australian to Irish to English to Scottish to Welsh and occasionally even American English. Some of these come more easily than others. Those from southern England tend to have the English accent that we have all heard on TV and in movies and are not too difficult to decipher. Northern England, on the other hand, can be at times incomprehensible and it seems that no matter how long they have been away from Yorkshire, the accent still remains as thick as ever. Scottish is an acquired skill, one that you will not, however, be able to pick up by watching Braveheart, as a real Scottish brogue is significantly different despite Mel Gibson’s best efforts. Irish really depends on what part of Ireland the person is from but I get all of my Irish accent translation knowledge from Danny Bhoy anyway (Fiddle dee dee potatoes).
Even after you have mastered the differing dialects from all of the native English speaking countries, your work is still not through. To truly be able to fully assimilate into Queenstown, you must also be a master at understanding English from non-native English speakers. This is oftentimes where the greatest challenge lies. Being a typical American, I speak only English and the tiniest bit of French, not even Spanish. Two of my roommates, on the other hand, are a Brazilian couple (Michelle and Carlos) and speak very little English. They are so nice though and we all attempt to have a conversation each time that we are home together. Michelle has only been speaking English for four months and I must admit that she is doing a whole lot better than I would be doing in her shoes. We were watching Oprah today (don’t judge me, I am unemployed and you are supposed to watch Oprah when you are unemployed and home during the day) and she was doing so well with English that it has inspired me. I think that I am going to attempt to learn to speak Portuguese. Actually, let’s be honest, its not likely that I will learn any Portuguese but right now it sure does sound like a good idea. The Brazilians are such a fun people! Think of all the salsa dancing and carnival. Doesn’t that sound like fun? When Michelle speaks in English she comes across as a bit shy and soft-spoken, but all of that changes when her husband walks in the door and the Portuguese comes out. She is loud and full of life going ninety miles a minute. I love it! I just with I had a clue what she was talking about.